Pain Spanx…

So, I guess we should start with the title of this post.  Pain Spanx is not the name of a metal band comprised of thirty and forty-something moms.  Although, how epic would that be? I feel like I could be on to something here, I’ll have to file that away for later…

Back to the explanation, I’ve been working on getting back into an exercise groove.  It’s absolutely never been my favorite thing, but I know it’s something I need to do.  Last week I took Little Ginger our regular Stroller Strides classes.  Stroller Strides for the uninitiated is an exercise class you do with your baby or toddler and the stroller.  They get to sit in the stroller and be entertained, you get to work out and be entertaining, everyone wins.  It’s a good fit for me as I don’t really find exercise relaxing and it’s not something I’m super jazzed about spending my limited time to myself on.  It also has the added benefit of socialization for Little Ginger.

The classes are also a lesson in humility, we often sing to the kids as we work through various exercises.  It is impossible to take yourself seriously as you’re working through a series of exercises that are challenging your already limited coordination AND sing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” at the same time.  I’m currently working on a theory that requiring everyone to do something like that would help us work through a lot of societies ills – a few burpees while singing “B-I-N-G-O” will level any playing field pretty quickly.  Maybe Congress should give it a whirl, if nothing else the entertainment value would be totally worth it.

I decided this month I’d add the moms-only class that focuses on High Intensity Interval Training (which is exactly as much fun as it sounds like) to my routine as I am a realist.  If I pay to exercise, chances are I’m going to be better about attending.  So, I upgraded my Stroller Strides membership to include the Body Back class.  I had several reasons for being very hesitant, not the least being the name -I wasn’t exactly sure where my body had gone and why I needed to go get it back?

Nevertheless, last week was my first week of doing both classes and as expected; I. AM. SO. FREAKING. SORE! I feel like I have put on Spanx made of pure pain (upside- great post title).  Once again -totally expected.  I know I’m going to be crazy sore for a bit, but as in the past, if I keep at it, in time, it will get better.  Although, it does seem to take a longer and longer time each time I get back into this… (I see you standing over there, forty.)

What I AM trying to change this time I put on the pain Spanx is how I look at exercise as it relates to my body image.  In the past I’ve viewed the pain Spanx as a just punishment for being in possession of a body that will (as I’ve come to realize and sort of accept) never ever ever look like  what we as a society seem to see as an ideal body.  Even when I’ve been able to run three consecutive under ten minute miles I’ve never been anything approaching skinny or even trim.  So, I’ve viewed the soreness as only fair.  I obviously just didn’t work hard enough on diet or exercise so I should pay the price in discomfort physically as well as mentally.  Now, I’m trying to focus on the fact that while I will probably never feel comfortable wearing a bikini and that that’s just a life experience I’ll miss out on, this body has done some pretty amazing things.

This is the body that has carried me all around the world.  It carries my brain- with all the thoughts and knowledge I have- with it, it takes my eyes to see amazing  sights, it has taken my heart to dizzying heights and crushing lows.  It has soldiered on through joint pain that was not the result of my weight- despite what the doctors were determined to believe. This body has rallied after every surgery for torn cartilage and every bone broken in my ongoing fight with gravity. This is the body that grew my babies and then nourished them.  This is the body that rallied after losing a pregnancy and soldiered on long before my brain and heart caught up.  This is a body that has done absolutely everything I have asked of it and more. Except to be skinny.  Oh, and the splits, but I think I am going to have to let that one go.

So, here we are at me trying to change my attitude to diet and exercise.  A friend has being pointing me in the direction of  Health at Every Size (HAES) and Intuitive Eating information that is well-researched and solid advice. I’m debating ditching the scale, because no matter how hard I try not to- I find myself drifting that way every day for a quantifiable measure of my progress.  I want to stop viewing exercise as something I do to me  as punishment but instead- as something I do for me; to help me be stronger, healthier, and keep some of my stabby tendencies in check. (Right now is a perfect example- spellcheck is determined that neither stabby or stabbier are words.  I’m embracing the total fatigue endorphins brought on by exercise and letting it go – for now. This isn’t over spellcheck.) I want to focus on eating healthy food that I enjoy and listening to signals from my body rather than constantly berating and second-guessing myself.  This is baggage I really don’t want to take into my next decade.  I want to leave it behind with the the self-consciousness I’ve felt, the memories of times doctors have immediately pointed to my size before even reading the chart, the times I’ve been told I’d be so pretty if I’d only lose the weight, and the belief that I’m somehow less than because my body is more than.

This picture is an excellent starting point for my attitude adjustment. This is a live action shot of one of the classes responsible for the pain Spanx. The instructors take pictures in each class and post them in the group Facebook page. My first instinct on this was to ask them to please for the love of all that’s holy not take and/or post my picture. I was not a fan, to say the least. I’m still not overwhelmed with joy by these pictures, but I am trying to walk the walk and change how I look at things. Instead of seeing a picture that is most certainly NOT my best angle (and I chose the most flattering option of the workout pictures) and seriously questioning the pattern on those pants- I’m trying to focus on the fact that picture is proof I’m getting stronger. It’s a reminder I did something healthy for my body and took some time for me. So, for the time being, I’m going to go with the flow and work on not cringing when I’m tagged. Yay. Growth.

As I’ve been thinking about my goals to meet by forty, the thought kept circling, JAWS-like, in the back of my mind that I should really have a weight goal in the mix. Instead, I’m going to focus on making sure this body, my body, that has done a great job getting me this far, is as healthy as possible as I head into the next decade. Continuing to be realistic, I realize this isn’t something that I can poof into existence.  In all honesty- it would be so much easier to set some arbitrary number goal for pounds to be lost and minutes to be exercised and sulk for a bit if I don’t hit those numbers.  But- it won’t be easier to haul all that baggage around for the rest of my life.  I’m sure there will be more to come about if I decide to ditch the scale, and how I approach the diet aspect this.

Right now, I’m off to approach some Advil and a hot bath with Espsom Salts.