“As you wish…” aka I finally saw “The Princess Bride”

So, there’s still a Jade roller and Julia Child post on the way but with the holidays/plague/Big Ginger winter break insanity busyness it’s not quite ready yet. By which I mean it’s a jumble of thoughts that hope to one day grow up to be complete sentences…

Father of Gingers (FoG) and I have been on a kick of watching movies once the Gingers are in bed. It came up that I had never seen The Princess Bride, (I’m still not sure how we got through twelve years together before this bombshell dropped) and I got the usual horrified reaction I’ve come to expect after they initially blurt out “INCONCEIVABLE!”  The reaction is usually combined with utter bafflement that I have managed to be possibly the only girl from the 80s/90s to have not seen this (apparent) cinematic masterpiece all the way through. This is also usually when people start to wonder what kind of childhood I had. Things get really interesting if I share I’ve also never seen all of Goonies or The Neverending Story. At that point people tend to want to stage a cinematic intervention at that very moment and act like I’m a failure as a child of the eighties.

I’d like to pause here for a second and say:

1. I’m not completely uncultured- I know Clue by heart and I love the Back to the Future trilogy.
2. I hated being scared by movies as a little kid. Watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit? resulted in months of nightmares and needing multiple under the bed checks (who knew what could be waiting underneath there to get me?) to attempt falling asleep. Seriously, I still won’t watch that movie.  My parents, being sane, wonderful people who valued sleep  (Which I totally get now) did not push me to watch a movie if I decided it was too scary for me. I missed these movies in their heyday as a result, then spent a fair amount of time overseas and never got back to those movies.
3. As I write this- it’s beyond me why I didn’t find the whole bodies piling up situation in Clue more distressing.

Now that we all know how I got to almost forty without seeing The Princess Bride, I present-

Thoughts you have when watching The Princess Bride for the first time at thirty-nine.

• It’s story time with Columbo and Kevin Arnold!
• Look! It’s Claire Underwood! Isn’t that the guy from Saw?
• Mandy Pantinkin is in this? Does he sing?
• FoG just informed me there will not be singing. Oh well.
• Ah, yes, the shrieking eels- aka where eight year-old me bailed on this movie. It’s all coming back now.
• That’s where, “You keep using that word…I do not think it means what you think it means.” comes from! I feel like I’m thirty years late to a cultural moment here.
• So, Prince Humperdinck is a bit of a douche canoe…
• Not getting a strong girl power vibe from Buttercup- Claire Underwood would not approve.
• Seriously, Buttercup? You don’t recognize your supposed one true love bc he’s wearing half a mask? I’m all for women supporting women but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t seriously judging you right now.
• FoG agrees- he just turned to me and said he’d like to think I’d not only recognize him but also ask why the stupid mask. I’d like to think I would too.
• Oh, Buttercup just rolled down a hill, I feel better now.
• And now there’s so kind of very upsetting angry possum called “the rodent of unusual size”… Welp, that put my bad squirrel experience in perspective. Although, I didn’t see that rodent try to set up camp in their beds…
• At this point I had to stop the movie and go to bed because sleep is important and Gingers get up early. I picked it back up the following night.
• Um, that torture machine is a tad extra. Really glad eight year-old me bailed before this point, that would’ve necessitated a solid month of checking under the bed for God only knows what.
• What the actual hell, Humperdinck? You’re going to kill Buttercup? She is a total pain in a hideous dress but it’s still a bit much.
• You’re joined by the bonds of love but you can’t recognize the man in a half mask!? Still judging you, Buttercup. (In case you couldn’t tell, this bothered me.)
• Really Humperdinck?!? Up to level fifty?!?
• Oh good, Mandy and Andre are on the case
• “Guide my sword” orrrrr, just go with the fact that the creepy guy with the cart was right in front of the entrance to the dungeon where Westley is.
• Clearly Humperdinck is a proto- Frank Underwood.
• Hi, Billy Crystal!
• Inigo is growing on me… announcing you’re in a rush while asking for a miracle takes focus and determination
• Um, I don’t think bellows are approved for CPR…
• Apparently Carol Kane plays the wife, of Billy Crystal’s character. “Run, Lillian!”
• So, that’s where “Have fun storming the castle!” comes from…”
• “If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something.” BEEN. THERE.
• Watch out proto- Frank. Claire is NOT happy
• I NOW KNOW where “Mawiage is what brings us together” comes from!
• Wuv…. twue wuv…
•  Buttercup to Humperdinck :“Why is there fear behind your eyes?”
• What Humperdinck should have said: “I NEVER mastered smoky eye, okay!?!?”
• Yay! He finally got to say the whole “you killed my father” speech
• Seriously?!? The guy runs away? Mandy Pantinkin deserved better.
• Noooooooo!!!! Not cool. You don’t throw a dagger in a duel.
• Way to power through Inigo! I guess everyone needs a mantra.
• “To the pain” is a tad dark there, Westley.
• But it worked, so there you go.
• Wow, Westley finds time to give career advice to Inigo before escaping out a window… I’m not sure piracy is a viable option, though.
• I love a good happily ever after…
• It’s like the eighties threw up in Fred Savage’s room
• I love that Grandpa/ Columbo left with a final, “As You Wish…”

I was worried to watch this movie at this point because so many people have such a intense attachment to it and I didn’t want to watch it and come back with a, “meh” response.  Fortunately, that was not the case.  I loved this movie and I’m mad at myself for not watching it earlier, not in the least because I’ve missed out on thirty or so years of solid opportunities to reference this movie, including my own wedding.  Added bonus- I now understand why everyone said, “INCONCEIVABLE!” every time this movie came up. Since I’ve now discovered some apparently dire deficits in my cinematic history, which movies do you think I need to make sure I’ve seen before I turn forty?  Did I mention I’ve never seen Die Hard?